Tag: decluttering

  • Shameless

    Shameless

    “Sorry the house is such a mess.”

    “My place is a disaster, maybe we could meet at yours instead?”

    “Just close your eyes when you walk past the kitchen, ok?”

    How many times have you apologized for the state of your home to would-be guests, friends, or family members? How many times have you avoided having people over because you felt ashamed of your space? Have you ever wanted to ask for help, but hesitated because you worried you’d be judged by the person helping you? You’re in good company. Studies show that a whopping 69% of American homeowners are embarrassed to have visitors due to mess, clutter or general “home shame”. And it’ll come as no surprise that women are generally the ones who carry the bulk of that shame. This isn’t the 1950s, but there are still deeply seated cultural expectations telling us that a woman should be able to keep her home clean and beautiful at all times, and that if she isn’t, she’s failing at something crucial.

    When my oldest child was a toddler, I hired a housekeeper for a deep clean. When she came for her first visit, the clutter was so intense that she declared she could barely get anything accomplished and would need to schedule multiple visits. There may or may not have been comments about “not being able to work in these conditions”. Do you think I scheduled a second visit with her, or with anyone else? Heck no. I was already deeply ashamed of the mess; I certainly didn’t need to pay someone to come make me feel even worse about it. I had asked for help, but ended up feeling worse than ever. I’d learned my lesson: don’t reach out or you’ll be judged. 

    I see this with almost every client. “I don’t know when it got this bad.” “I’m embarrassed to show you the garage.” There’s also a certain amount of curiosity. “Is this the worst you’ve seen??” Does anyone else’s house look like this??” We’re so used to Instagram feeds full of immaculate homes that we’ve forgotten what normal looks like. We’ve forgotten that homes are lived in. Piles of laundry are normal. Stacks of unopened mail are normal. Chaotic closets are normal. Legos on the floor are normal. Mess and clutter aren’t shameful; they’re a byproduct of living a full life. They’re only problematic when they begin to hinder the functionality of your home or cause you stress and anxiety. When clutter or disorganization start to feel like a weight, it’s absolutely okay to ask for help, and to expect that help to be judgement-free. If you’ve asked a friend or family member for help, let them know from the outset that you’d like positivity, not judgement. 

    “Hey, my kitchen has really been stressing me out lately. I’d love it if you could come hang out with me while I work on it. I’m pretty embarrassed about the way it looks so please be kind, ok?” 

    “I’m really overwhelmed by my home office. Could you come help me get started on it? I trust you to not make me feel weird about it.”

    There’s good news about letting go of shame and tackling areas of our home that are weighing us down.  When my home meets my own standards for tidiness and organization, I’m less concerned about what other people think; if someone wants to judge me for the fine layer of ever-present dust, that’s on them, because I’m not especially concerned about it. In the seasons of my life when my home has felt like a disaster, I wanted everyone to stay the heck away. But in the seasons when I feel good about my space, I roll the welcome mat back out. Dusty or otherwise.

  • Embracing Chaos

    Embracing Chaos

    Even the cat is thinking “wtf are you doing, woman??”

    Clients often look at me in disbelief – or in abject horror – when I tell them we’re going to dump out the contents of an entire drawer/toolbox/cabinet/closet. Won’t that just make things worse?? they rightfully wonder. The short answer is that yes, yes it will. But only briefly. Because the fact of the matter is that you can’t organize a space without knowing what’s in it. And to know what’s in it, you have to, well, know what’s in it. That means taking everything out. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Will it look chaotic? Absolutely. Will it make you feel anxious? Quite possibly. But the good news is that once you’ve taken everything out of a space, you can assess what you’ve got, decide what you need/want to keep, get rid of the rest or move it to a more appropriate spot, and proceed with organizing the items you’re keeping. In fact, once the taking-out-and-sorting-through process is done, the organizing usually falls into place virtually by itself. 

    I live with three kids in 400 square feet. The kids keep their clothes and games in a single shared closet, and if you’ve ever met children, you can imagine how this closet sometimes looks. Overflowing drawers. Outgrown or unfavored clothes shoved into far corners or cast unceremoniously to the floor. Orphaned puzzle pieces and a teetering tower of board games. Recently the closet reached critical mass. It had become a barely functional anxiety including disaster; something clearly had to be done. I dumped out every single clothing drawer into the hallway. And promptly thought  “Well crap, now I’m stuck”. As in, I literally couldn’t move from the hallway until I’d dealt with the chaos I’d created. Where to even start?? Item by item. It was definitely safe to get rid of the 3T shorts the 7 year olds had been squeezing into; those went into the donate pile. A few things went into a sell pile, items I’d paid for that I thought would have high enough resale value to make it worth my while. Items that still fit (and still actually get worn) were sorted into piles by category: leggings, long sleeves, short sleeves, etc. Once everything was culled and sorted, I was able to get a clear picture of what we actually had and assess the storage needs. It turned out that pajamas didn’t need a big drawer, so they were downgraded to a smaller one, while long sleeve shirts – which had previously overflowed from their small drawer – got upgraded to a bigger space. The donation pile got put into a bag and immediately taken to my car (lest it sit and fester in Donation Purgatory), and the sell pile went into a labeled box and moved into my bedroom. I labeled the freshly organized drawers and felt like a freaking rockstar. Almost two hours had passed and I didn’t have the steam to tackle the game shelf, so I only picked up a few straggling game pieces that had landed on the floor and left the project for another day. But the results still felt amazing! Even the kids commented on the change. “Wow, the closet looks great, Mom! I can actually open the drawers now!” “I didn’t realize I had this many pants!” And the best part? I don’t have a sinking feeling in my gut every time I open the closet door.

    When it comes to matters of decluttering and organizing, I don’t really believe in rules, because everyone’s needs are a little different, and no two brains work the same way. What works for one person might be a total flop for another. That said, you’ll likely thank yourself if you follow these two guidelines: 

    1) Only start a project when you have time to complete it in one session. If you leave in the middle, odds are high that things will end up getting hastily shoved aside “just for now” and that will become their new home for a much longer amount of time than you’d probably like. If you only have a small amount of time, only tackle a bite-sized project. 

    2) Break larger projects, such as entire rooms, into smaller ones. Tempting though it may be, I’d strongly caution against dumping the contents of an entire bedroom or kitchen in one go. The time needed is too great, and the chaos created can lead to paralysis. Instead, tackle one or two areas or categories at a time. In a bedroom, this can look like first addressing all areas that store clothes – closet, dressers, etc – before moving on to other spaces, such as bookshelves. In a kitchen, address one category at a time. For example, you could start with all food items, and once those have been sorted and organized, you can tackle pots/pans/utensils/gadgets. If you complete one category and find that you still have time and energy for a second, go for it! Otherwise, celebrate what you accomplished and set a date (ideally ASAP) for tackling the next category. 

    It can feel counterintuitive to say that the key to conquering chaos is to create more chaos. But when an area of your home is creating anxiety or has ceased to be functional in the ways you’d like, jumping in with two feet is generally more effective than wading around the edges. That overflowing junk drawer? Dump it out. Yes, it will look like something exploded. But it’s only then that you can decide if you really need three dozen pens, or realize that you possess a mind boggling quantity of dead batteries. Think of it as the storm before the calm. Embrace the chaos, because it’s only a momentary stop on the way to a more orderly, peaceful space.