“Sorry the house is such a mess.”

“My place is a disaster, maybe we could meet at yours instead?”

“Just close your eyes when you walk past the kitchen, ok?”

How many times have you apologized for the state of your home to would-be guests, friends, or family members? How many times have you avoided having people over because you felt ashamed of your space? Have you ever wanted to ask for help, but hesitated because you worried you’d be judged by the person helping you? You’re in good company. Studies show that a whopping 69% of American homeowners are embarrassed to have visitors due to mess, clutter or general “home shame”. And it’ll come as no surprise that women are generally the ones who carry the bulk of that shame. This isn’t the 1950s, but there are still deeply seated cultural expectations telling us that a woman should be able to keep her home clean and beautiful at all times, and that if she isn’t, she’s failing at something crucial.

When my oldest child was a toddler, I hired a housekeeper for a deep clean. When she came for her first visit, the clutter was so intense that she declared she could barely get anything accomplished and would need to schedule multiple visits. There may or may not have been comments about “not being able to work in these conditions”. Do you think I scheduled a second visit with her, or with anyone else? Heck no. I was already deeply ashamed of the mess; I certainly didn’t need to pay someone to come make me feel even worse about it. I had asked for help, but ended up feeling worse than ever. I’d learned my lesson: don’t reach out or you’ll be judged. 

I see this with almost every client. “I don’t know when it got this bad.” “I’m embarrassed to show you the garage.” There’s also a certain amount of curiosity. “Is this the worst you’ve seen??” “Does anyone else’s house look like this??” We’re so used to Instagram feeds full of immaculate homes that we’ve forgotten what normal looks like. We’ve forgotten that homes are lived in. Piles of laundry are normal. Stacks of unopened mail are normal. Chaotic closets are normal. Legos on the floor are normal. Mess and clutter aren’t shameful; they’re a byproduct of living a full life. They’re only problematic when they begin to hinder the functionality of your home or cause you stress and anxiety. When clutter or disorganization start to feel like a weight, it’s absolutely okay to ask for help, and to expect that help to be judgement-free. If you’ve asked a friend or family member for help, let them know from the outset that you’d like positivity, not judgement. 

“Hey, my kitchen has really been stressing me out lately. I’d love it if you could come hang out with me while I work on it. I’m pretty embarrassed about the way it looks so please be kind, ok?” 

“I’m really overwhelmed by my home office. Could you come help me get started on it? I trust you to not make me feel weird about it.”

There’s good news about letting go of shame and tackling areas of our home that are weighing us down.  When my home meets my own standards for tidiness and organization, I’m less concerned about what other people think; if someone wants to judge me for the fine layer of ever-present dust, that’s on them, because I’m not especially concerned about it. In the seasons of my life when my home has felt like a disaster, I wanted everyone to stay the heck away. But in the seasons when I feel good about my space, I roll the welcome mat back out. Dusty or otherwise.